The Glow Up Is Real
As mentioned, I’ve walked a journey’s worth of life thus far, and the universe has given me the biggest gift in return…self-love. Let me tell you, I hated people saying I needed to love myself. I thought I loved myself, I mean I am a fun and giving person. What I discovered through sobriety is I hated myself. I was putting poison in my body and slowly dying. When I decided to do the deal, I was able to finally see this. I was able to see that I did need to figure out how to love me, Afterall I was stuck with her the rest of my life. At the time my husband had just left, and started dating immediately, and I was facing losing my son. That’s where I drew the line.
So, I checked into a treatment center and decided I wouldn’t leave until I could face the world outside, and all it was throwing at me. I accepted where things were and surrendered to the possibility of a better life. I work AA so it was easy to go back to what I knew to stay physically sober. It’s the emotional sobriety I was really after. That’s where I did the work. I did it to discover my parents weren’t the monster I made them out to be. To discover that it’s ok the marriage didn’t work because I got the best consolation prize ever…my child. I did the work to discover me, for the first time really.
I was blessed to get a job in recovery where I facilitate groups at treatment centers. Each week I come up with topics to support clients on their journey. As I have done my research there’re two things that rise to importance, self-love and attachment styles. Self-love came with each defeat I got through. Each time I overcame something I used to drink over was a victory. Over time I began feeling positive about who I was becoming. Then I hit my one year and I found the craziest thing out, I might be able to trust myself. Ok now I have just been given a new baby (me) and I had to love and protect her fiercely. Today we go on soul adventures that are only seen as learning opportunities.
Case in point, I went away last weekend and don’t you know I stumbled upon a guy. It felt like something out of a movie, we noticed each other, danced around and then he asked for my number. Long story short I had a pretty epic experience. I met someone I could feel intimacy with, like looking deep in each other’s eyes kinda stuff. Of course, he lives across the country and a million other factors make it far-fetched. So I cried. I cried in sadness for finally meeting a good dude, and I cried in happiness for the person I had become. Once an anxious, hopeless romantic, I now see myself. I see that I desire a safe partner I can truly settle into. I’ve done the work, it’s only fair someone should enjoy it with me. This week I softened the blow of Cupid and found something out. Just because that situation might not work out, I got a taste of what I deserve.
Today I stand in my feminine power of transcended growth that’s brought me true happiness. I took that learning opportunity over the weekend, and I made it mine. I sat in the beauty of synchronicity, and I waded through the pain of losing something I felt I deserved. Who knows where fate might lead, I no longer have to control outcomes because I didn’t lose a piece of me this time, I added a new tattoo over my scars. And she’s a beauty!
As for attachment styles, they taught me why I am the way I am and why others react the way they do. I was an anxious attachment style which means I liked to attach to something that feels safe, and I guess I kinda smothered it in fear of abandonment. The attachment style that can’t get enough of me in avoidants and anxious avoidants. These special humans want connection and then when things get to an intimate level they can’t deal and bounce. My life has been this repetitive cycle, until this year. I sat down and got to know myself. I learned why I was the way I was and what I can do about it. I also learned about other styles so I could compile my red flag list. If you haven’t learned about attachment theory, I highly recommend it.
In closing I wanted to share that none of this should have happened. I thought I was meant to walk a wobbly rode of existence, as a constant relapser. But the universe had other plans for me. It arose a new spiritual path that’s like nothing I have ever walked. I’ve been shown the true authentic me, and I am in love. She’s spunky, she’s scrappy and she’s all heart. Only now she knows how to use her heart for good and how to protect it from evil :)
